Most Of My Treasured Memories Of Travel Are Recollections Of Sitting

Most of my treasured memories of travel are recollections of sitting - Robert Thomas Allen

Day’s Itinerary: Columbus (OH) – Indianapolis (IA) – Effingham (Illinois) – St Louis (MO) – Columbia (MO) – Boonville (MO) – Kansas City (MO) – Lawrence (KS) – Topeka (KS) – Emporia (KS) – Wichita (KS) – Perry (OK) – Oklahoma City (OK) – El Reno (OK) – Elk City (OK)

The strikethrough and anyone who’s been getting more timely updates via Twitter and Facebook tells you all you really need to know about how Day 3 pans out. Not so good. Full account of events to follow.

3.05am - a sound sleep is rudely interrupted by our arrival in Indianapolis, the capital of the state of Indiana. I totally understand that bus drivers need breaks and passengers need to be collected along the route but I do not understand the need to turn on every single light in the wee hours of the morning and make everyone get off the bus for 40 minutes.

You'd expect at that hour things would be quiet but Indianapolis' transit center is jumping and full of people but it all feels a little bit seedy. I'm not sure if this feeling has something to do with my being half awake and unaware of where I really am or if it's something more concrete. Then I see something I haven't seen at a transit center yet - a police desk.

Even better, it's unmanned. I hope that this is because there's no need for law enforcement to be at the transit center at 3.05am and not because the officer is in the midst of breaking up some kind of criminal incident.

I'm getting quite used to the inside of transit centers at this point in time. Most are almost identical, right down to the location of power outlets and the cafeteria menus. Indianapolis again proves an exception.

The menu includes popcorn which I find an odd choice for 3am in the morning but at the same time I find it ironically appropriate as riding Greyhound is very much akin to watching a movie and what better accompaniment? There's also some suspicious looking item called a Tornado - a processed version of a Taquito - I can only imagine the fine list of nutrients one gets from consumption of a Tornado. I'm equally disturbed to find Tornados have their own Facebook page and that close to 350,000 people like them.

3.40am - It's time for another of the rituals that goes with cross country bus riding - re-boarding. In essence, you'd think this was a relatively straightforward process but in the land of Greyhound it involves providing riders with a pass that allows them back on the bus which must be presented along with one's ticket.

This boarding pass is pretty generic - it has some text and a number, generally the bus number. It's main purpose is to allow those who've been on the bus the whole time to beat a hasty retreat back on board and reclaim the prized window seat before the new riders get on.

It's my turn to present my pass and ticket to the driver who promptly tells me he can't read through my thumb. I look down at my hand and see that the validity of my ticket to Oklahoma City (my next transfer point) is fairly obvious. While I undertake this 10 second process, the driver tensely repeats that he can't read through my thumb.

First of all mornings are not my thing. Secondly, I don't respond well to people who can't communicate what they require. I look at his beady eyes and straw colored hair, which naturally is a comb over, and state that I don't understand. He again repeats he can't read through my thumb and then motions towards the generic re-boarding ticket.

I see in fact that yes my thumb is obscuring that number but I also see that I have a valid ticket on the only bus going to Oklahoma City. It's all I can do not to poke him in the eye and ask him how well he can see now. I decide against it.

4.50am - Another abrupt awakening, this one in Effingham, Illinois. It's the only stop in Illinois and I have no effing idea where Effingham is and I have no desire to at this point. I return to my upright sleeping position, one which I've spent two days perfecting, and stay that way until we reach the state of Missouri.

6.45am - Right on schedule, we arrive in St Louis, Missouri. It's so hard to really connect too much with any city when you simply drive through it but the whole point of this adventure is to see cities that I might not have ordinarily and perhaps come up with a list that I may in turn return to.

Instantly I like St Louis, although I'm disappointed to discover its pronounced St Lewis and that I've been mispronouncing it all this time. Outside, preparations are underway for the city's marathon - runners are limbering up and officials are putting up barricades. This should provide me with a hint that things are about to take an unwanted turn.

Off the bus and inside the transit center I find it's well above par - it should be - it cost $27 million. Not only is it architecturally impressive, it's clean, doesn't have the typical cafeteria and better still has wifi and power outlets. It's possibly the happiest I've been this entire trip. This of course is the kiss of death.

7.25am - I return to take part in the re-boarding ritual, mindful that my thumb isn't obscuring the all important bus number.

7.40am - We're meant to have left but there's no sign of our bus and the sun is streaming through the all glass facade. The heat helps remind me that most people here including myself have not had a proper bath in 3 days (I have at least bought with me washers, anti bacterial wipes, deodorant and toothpaste in a bid to maintain some semblance of appearance and sanity.

7.45am - I bond with Rick, a Princeton Professor who lived in Townsville (Qld, Australia) for 3 years and subsequently married an Australian. He was there for the truck drivers gathering and we relive some of our favorite truck driver conversations. Turns out Rick is also riding the bus for a bit of a lark.

7.50am - Still no sign of the bus. I'm not overly concerned yet. An enterprising actress takes the time to tell us that she's off to LA for a party in her honor. Apparently she has the lead role in an independent horror movie which has unexpectedly been given a video release. She tells us Red River is available at Family Video. I can't help but laugh at the irony of a slasher flick being available at somewhere called Family Video.

The conversation continues but I tune out as the actress talks about how she's glad to have 'made it' in the business but also at her frustration at being typecast as a scream queen. I'm guessing there must be some other independent movies she's starred in that aren't available at Family Video.

8am - Rick assumes the leadership role for our group, which now includes a crazy and very vocal French man, and goes to find someone who might know something about the whereabouts of the bus.

8.05am - Before Rick returns, an announcement, no doubt prompted by his query, rings across the transit center. It's like most announcements on most modes of transport - inaudible - but one word rings out loud and clear - DELAY. Generally speaking I wouldn't be concerned but I'm well aware that I only had a 15 minute window in Oklahoma City to make my transfer and you don't have to be a clairvoyant to know that this does not bode well.

8.06am - Rick returns and explains the delay is to do with the marathon and the bus driver not being able to make it through the closed streets. Everyone except me accepts this explanation. It's not like the city threw an impromptu event, pretty sure all and sundry would be well aware that the marathon was on.

With my wifi capabilities, I google the St Louis Marathon - yes there it is - April 10, 2011 - I also take the opportunity to look at the history of the event - nope not the first time it's been run. In fact it's been staged in April since 2003.

There's also no word on how long said delay might take. I think about marathons and how long they take to run and how this might impact our driver's arrival to work. I also wonder if I might use that excuse next time I'm late for work.

8.15am - Mindful of missing my connection and devoid of any departure update, I venture to the terminal counter. The very helpful ticket seller looks at my ticket and says he'll put me on a different bus, one that will actually get me to Vegas quicker. Score. I mention that my luggage is on the bus and he says he'll arrange to get it for me and that I'll be leaving at 9am. This seems unnaturally easy.

8.45am - 15 minutes till I'm meant to be on the new bus and there's been no mention of my luggage.

8.50am - My train of thought is interrupted by a page summoning us to the ticket counter. As I stand in line, I see food vouchers being prepared. My joy of getting to Vegas earlier than expected dissipates quickly.

We're informed that our bus has a transmission issue. It's been taken away, with our luggage, to get fixed. I'm given tickets back to my old bus, plus a food voucher for breakfast/lunch/and who knows, possibly dinner at this point and a $50 voucher for use on future Greyhound travel.

I'm also given the awesome news that I will not be getting to Vegas until 2.30am on Tuesday morning (originally it was 8.15pm on Monday night) and that I'll need to change buses in Kansas City. I mention that I have a hotel booked for Monday night and that I find this all bothersome. Not much response to that or any offer for compensation on the wasted hotel night. I think about all the things I'd like to do with my $50 voucher, none of which involves travel on a Greyhound bus.

9am - Armed with some information about how slow the service is at the cafe and considering the number of people that now have food vouchers, Rick, another passenger and I decide to form a line outside the KFC/Pizza Hut counter which opens at 10am. While I have no desire to eat KFC or pizza at 10am in the morning, it turns out to be a very smart move.

10am - The service at KFC/Pizza Hut is no faster than the cafe due to the fact that its the same staff manning that counter. No one is allowed cafe food and all must spend their vouchers at KFC/Pizza Hut. Guessing that's because deep frying chicken and chips is a lot quicker than making sandwiches.

10.15am - KFC tastes surprisingly good at this hour, who knew?

10.20am - I return to the seated position but it's not on the bus, it's against the wall where the power outlets are. At least my computer will be fully charged. Rick and I decide to look for the Red River trailer.

I find it but the scream queen doesn't appear to be the lead and appears in the trailer for less than a second.

Official poster on the left or if you're really keen, you can watch the trailer here: Red River Official Trailer. Take the time to read the comments that follow as well.

11am - Rick and I take turns guarding our possessions and use the time to brush teeth and distract ourselves from the realization that we've been in St Louis for almost five hours and seen none of the city. We also wager on what time the bus will go. I take 1.30pm while he bets on tomorrow morning after a recent conversation with a former Air Force POW who spent the last 48 hours in St Louis following a delay. If that's the best Greyhound can do for a veteran, things do not look great for us.

12.10pm - Rick returns from a walk around the terminal - the gossip has it on good authority that our driver is missing and will not answer his phone. Despite the hopelessness of the situation, I cannot help but laugh. I must be really tired as this level of calmness is most definitely not in my genes.

Rick also mentions that he told the scream queen we watched her trailer and noticed she wasn't in it much. She says this is because she's naked for most of the film. I begin to suspect my earlier thoughts on her body of work are pretty close to the truth.

1.00pm - I'm relieved to find that I've won the prizeless bet and we board the bus bound for Kansas City. The driver explains about the transmission issue but my genes kick in and I yell out, 'can we just go already, we all have somewhere to be'. For the first time, a Greyhound employee apologizes.